I am NOT a kid person and I have no idea why
So after that lovely heartfelt post about loving my kids and how I'm so going to miss them at this age and so on, you are going to get this ugly guilt-ridden post about my issues with kids. I'll clarify by saying this is a post about my issues with OTHER kids that are not my own.
A little history, if you don't mind. I babysat probably 3 or 4 times in my life before having my own children. Why? Because I didn't like kids and so NEVER offered my babysitting services. I got a job at Wal-Mart instead to earn my spending money.
Brad and I decided to have kids because it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. We'd been kidless for 3 years and it was just really easy and I guess we were kind of bored and we just thought we were ready. If it weren't for joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I think I may not have had children at all which would have been terrible given how much I love and enjoy my own kids.
When I was pregnant, I will freely admit I worried a lot that I wasn't going to like my kid either. All of the experience I had had with kids told me that they were just horrendous little beasts. It didn't help that I had nearly 7 years experience working at Wal-Mart and thus experienced the worst behavior children had to offer first-hand. I was due with Novan in mid-November. In mid-October, Brad volunteered us to watch one of his friend's 5-year old boy for a week. I remember being willing simply because she really needed it but not at all excited about actually doing it. I disliked kids after all. He wasn't so bad except that I got a taste of what I could expect from a typical 5 year old. And the kid was super picky about food. He probably halfway starved while he was at our house. Brad made him eat a bite of salad one night and the kid nearly aspirated on a lettuce leaf because he was gagging so much. In all honesty, looking back, Novan is SO much like him, right down to the food sensitivity and frustration issues. Anyway, it wasn't a day after we gave the kid back to his mom that I went into labor. I tend to think that the stress I endured while babysitting that week contributed greatly to putting me into pre-term labor. I had dreams of PTA meetings and field-trips with snot nosed children. It was terrifying. I couldn't believe I had volunteered to put myself through this by getting pregnant.
Well... long story short, I LOVED Novan from the moment I met him and wanted 7 more just like him. Even as Novan has reached 6 years old I still think he's fantastic even though he does some of the same things that 5-year old did that annoyed the crap out of me (whining for instance which is possibly the worst of all kid-offenses). BUT, the fact has remained that overall, I do not like kids. I like having kids at my house that are low maintenance. They don't require much. They don't tattle about every offense done them. They know how to handle a little rough-housing, and they don't cry about everything. I think I might actually LIKE those kids. But I've babysat some in the past that if it weren't morally wrong, I'd put earplugs in my ears and completely ignore their existence. My attitude towards most children, that are not my own, is ambivalence. I babysat this 18 month old the other day for a gal at Brad's work and he just followed me around all day and wanted to be held. If I left the room (once I had to lock him out of my bedroom so I could make a phone call) he would cry and cry. It only served to annoy me and make me dislike him more which is really just insensitive and silly of me. An 18 month old should be expected to be a little clingy especially when his mom has left him at some stranger's house. But I can't seem to let that part of my practical brain convince the anti-kid part that I should have a little compassion. Sure, I can SHOW compassion by holding him on my lap while I'm checking e-mails, but I'm not actually FEELING compassionate as I should be. For some reason, I think all kids should behave a certain way and the ones that are least like my own kids (ie the high-maintenance ones) just turn this switch in my brain that makes me completely ambivalent towards them.
Anyway, I ended the day I babysat last week, crying because I felt so guilty about it. It's not that I did anything wrong. I attended to his needs. I fed him, I even held him a couple times. But I disliked it the whole time. And just knowing that I FELT that way was very hard to stomach. I really tried to dig down and discover the reason but it was nowhere to be found. I should be able to love other children more, I really should. I should be able to play with other kids and have fun doing it, but it just feels awkward because I'm not genuine. I can DO the right thing. I just can't FEEL the right thing and that really bothers me.
A little history, if you don't mind. I babysat probably 3 or 4 times in my life before having my own children. Why? Because I didn't like kids and so NEVER offered my babysitting services. I got a job at Wal-Mart instead to earn my spending money.
Brad and I decided to have kids because it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. We'd been kidless for 3 years and it was just really easy and I guess we were kind of bored and we just thought we were ready. If it weren't for joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I think I may not have had children at all which would have been terrible given how much I love and enjoy my own kids.
When I was pregnant, I will freely admit I worried a lot that I wasn't going to like my kid either. All of the experience I had had with kids told me that they were just horrendous little beasts. It didn't help that I had nearly 7 years experience working at Wal-Mart and thus experienced the worst behavior children had to offer first-hand. I was due with Novan in mid-November. In mid-October, Brad volunteered us to watch one of his friend's 5-year old boy for a week. I remember being willing simply because she really needed it but not at all excited about actually doing it. I disliked kids after all. He wasn't so bad except that I got a taste of what I could expect from a typical 5 year old. And the kid was super picky about food. He probably halfway starved while he was at our house. Brad made him eat a bite of salad one night and the kid nearly aspirated on a lettuce leaf because he was gagging so much. In all honesty, looking back, Novan is SO much like him, right down to the food sensitivity and frustration issues. Anyway, it wasn't a day after we gave the kid back to his mom that I went into labor. I tend to think that the stress I endured while babysitting that week contributed greatly to putting me into pre-term labor. I had dreams of PTA meetings and field-trips with snot nosed children. It was terrifying. I couldn't believe I had volunteered to put myself through this by getting pregnant.
Well... long story short, I LOVED Novan from the moment I met him and wanted 7 more just like him. Even as Novan has reached 6 years old I still think he's fantastic even though he does some of the same things that 5-year old did that annoyed the crap out of me (whining for instance which is possibly the worst of all kid-offenses). BUT, the fact has remained that overall, I do not like kids. I like having kids at my house that are low maintenance. They don't require much. They don't tattle about every offense done them. They know how to handle a little rough-housing, and they don't cry about everything. I think I might actually LIKE those kids. But I've babysat some in the past that if it weren't morally wrong, I'd put earplugs in my ears and completely ignore their existence. My attitude towards most children, that are not my own, is ambivalence. I babysat this 18 month old the other day for a gal at Brad's work and he just followed me around all day and wanted to be held. If I left the room (once I had to lock him out of my bedroom so I could make a phone call) he would cry and cry. It only served to annoy me and make me dislike him more which is really just insensitive and silly of me. An 18 month old should be expected to be a little clingy especially when his mom has left him at some stranger's house. But I can't seem to let that part of my practical brain convince the anti-kid part that I should have a little compassion. Sure, I can SHOW compassion by holding him on my lap while I'm checking e-mails, but I'm not actually FEELING compassionate as I should be. For some reason, I think all kids should behave a certain way and the ones that are least like my own kids (ie the high-maintenance ones) just turn this switch in my brain that makes me completely ambivalent towards them.
Anyway, I ended the day I babysat last week, crying because I felt so guilty about it. It's not that I did anything wrong. I attended to his needs. I fed him, I even held him a couple times. But I disliked it the whole time. And just knowing that I FELT that way was very hard to stomach. I really tried to dig down and discover the reason but it was nowhere to be found. I should be able to love other children more, I really should. I should be able to play with other kids and have fun doing it, but it just feels awkward because I'm not genuine. I can DO the right thing. I just can't FEEL the right thing and that really bothers me.
Okay, I am the same way--I'm actually really relieved that I'm not the only one! I think it is the product of an independent spirit. I'm raising my kids to be as self-sufficient as possible, partly for them (because I think it is empowering for them) and partly for my own sanity. I only babysat for one family growing up--the two kids would brush their teeth and hop in bed at 7 on their own, even if I offered to let them stay up late. That's about how I like my babysitting now, too. ;)
ReplyDeleteI have great respect for anyone that can have children when feeling the way you do, I think it's great that you are able to have so much love for your kids even though you struggle with others. Personally, I have no desire to reproduce for those exact feelings and because I have a short temper and attention span so I just know any child I would try to raise would have some serious issues. I do okay with kids that have reached a certain age and are already trained to behave but when it comes to babies and very young children I seriously struggle.
ReplyDeleteHIGH MAINTANENCE KIDS STINK!!!!! ;) Love me some kids that can play by themselves!
ReplyDeletethere is no "right thing" in having to like others people children. where is that rule written? be grateful they are not yours. my babysitting philosophy is treat the visiting kids like i expect my kids to be treated when i leave them to babysat. still alive and maybe fed, if they eat what i offer. other than that, its all bonus. One time i tried a craft with other kids and i was so frustrated they couldn't use scissors. i was so impatient and figured it is not my responsibility to teach all the kids of the world to use scissors. that is their parents job. so i showed them how to tear paper and that was the end of that craft. However, older kids, like 4 and up, i enjoy because they entertain my kids and keep each other busy. i watch a boy after preschool and the two 4 year olds (mine and extra) stayed in the play room all afternoon. i didn't hear a peep. it was fabulous. that kid can come over anytime.
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